Being afraid of feeling pain keeps us from being active. I would have never discovered the joys of running, boxing, grappling, hiking and I also would have never known the threshold of pain I possessed and what I can push through and when and why I should stop something. The solidity of our points of reference in life are the only currency we can truly carry as our own in a world where false claims and exaggerated comparisons are made to make a buck or gain advantage every day. If you’ve been there, then you’ve done that. You know better.

Growing up I had really weak ankles and rolled them pretty regularly while playing sports that my mom insisted I try. Soccer, baseball, football all left me with swollen, twisted ankles each season. So, eventually I figured I just had bad ankles from my genetic tree and reserved myself to being un-athletic. Then I tried the swim team. I wasn’t particularly good, especially compared to my little sister Tamsyn who could smoke me in her sleep when it came to racing in the pool, but I found a sport that didn’t require constant pounding on my ankles and I strengthened my legs to the point where I didn’t sprain my ankles so much.

I saw parallels in my life when it came to my ankles in both physical and personal examples all throughout growing up. I wasn’t particularly good at something and would get so mad at myself because I couldn’t compete with kids at a particular task in school. Math, science and even my strongest suit which is reading and writing. The act of mastering a structured way of expression left me feeling frustrated with my own condition, rather than focusing on round-about ways to solve a problem.

Maybe it’s because I was raised Catholic and had a Catholic education from K-12. Structure was probably what I needed coming from a single parent house hold in a pretty tough city. However, whenever I found myself placed in the competitions that were approved for the masses I was disinterested and usually got showed up unless I was able to formulate some unorthodox or alternative approach.

Consistently finding success has meant needing to find an alternate route. I’m okay with that and don’t suffer much anxiety from that anymore, but it’s been a process to get to this point. I separated my shoulder in football and the only remedy after years of constant popping and pain were funky handstand pushups (you shoulda seem me fall on my face the first few times I tried). Inflammation and pain in my left knee from jogging and Muay Thai left me feeling like I couldn’t ever be really active again. Then I tried the Couch 2 5K running program and all of a sudden I’m doing 3 mile jogs and long hikes with no pain.

Another example of this dynamic: I chose to go into a highly competitive, unstable and perplexing profession. I’m a communicator! I had a pretty stable desk job back in Boston that I was bored to tears in, but it was lining me up for a traditional lifestyle of which seemed to be offering up opportunities to purchase a new car, build my savings and even buy my first condo. But the boredom was killing me and no matter how I twisted that Rubix Cube, I couldn’t make sense of that existence. So I moved to Madison, Wisconsin to work for a small startup called Brazen Careerist. That didn’t quite work out either. So I was left with the prospect of collecting unemployment indefinitely in a place I wasn’t really happy in until I found some sort of a job. Instead, I applied to teach English in South Korea, traveled and met  the most amazing woman ever in Colorado (where I would eventually move). Now I’m living as a consultant, making connections with amazing companies involved with sustainability and community development that I want to work with and I’m still hopping forward with confidence.

I chose to move forward in a direction that interested me. I didn’t want to keep collecting unemployment. I didn’t want to move home (that’s for damn sure) and I knew that whatever was next was going to be a series of uncharted steps that essentially would be up to me to make successful. I had a lot of help along the way, but choosing to step in this direction was something only I could do.

I’ve engaged in strenuous life choices continuously because I feel that life consisting mainly of leisure is probably both impossible and unappealing to me. Whether it’s been in my profession, my personal life or my relationships, I try to keep trying new and exciting things, testing out what I may be sensitive to and cultivating what works for me. It may never seem applicable to most other people, but I never expected other people’s general lives and choices to fit nicely into my own, so that’s just fine with me.

So, I move to Boulder and my girlfriend (and everyone else in this town it seems) loves to hike. Yeah, thin air, low oxygen and heights. I remember the last time I got to the top of a 14,000 foot mountain and I almost passed out from driving up along the cliffs and then having to look off the ledges. But, I found a few trails and kept trying to hike whenever possible. It was a great alternative to running when I wanted something different. At first, I’d gingerly climb and descend these mountains (or hills) hoping that my knees wouldn’t hurt and that my ankles wouldn’t roll. I just wanted to enjoy the same things that everyone else enjoyed without saying “I can’t do this” because of physical limitations. But, I got stronger, I gained confidence and now I don’t have to two step around every rock that appears in my path. My lungs feel great, I’m in shape and my legs have never felt better. Hiking and everyone and everything that got me up and down these mountains, where have you been all my life?

I’m not out acquiring things in life, I’m just trying to accumulate meaningful experiences and points of relation to myself and others. My path may not be the same as most others, but if I can gain perspective and hopefully meet another kind soul or two along the way, then that’s where I see steady footing and the antidote to fear and pain.

You know what they say about procrastination…. right?

Yeah, avoidance (doing the Ostrich) isn’t a good tactic for dealing with most problems, whether you or someone else are the cause of then. I have (re)learned this the hard way several times in the past few days in my professional and personal life and I’m recalling why the times in my life where I was the most pro-active, were also the times I had the least amount of problems morphing into road blocks.

There are few challenges in life that we cannot face when we take them on face to face. The worst punches are the ones you don’t see coming. While some people say “that’s life,” I propose keeping your hands up, chin tucked, eyes on your opponent’s shoulders and never turn your back to a problem just because it’s dreadful or if you caused it and don’t want to deal with it right away.

OK, back to what you were doing (unless it was procrastinating).

Intuition is a tool that most people have, but few people use wisely. I’ve made major life decisions on intuition more than once, fallen flat on my face a few times too, yet I never have regretted any of those decisions. Why?

Why do risk takers continue to take risks repeatedly after they’ve taken a 12 round ass kicking from life? I think it comes down to two major factors:

• Starting from rock-bottom. Whether you were born lower class or were raised with a silver spoon in your mouth and messed up severely, knowing where the relative bottom lies for yourself in relation to the rest of the world keeps risk and loss in perspective.
• A person must always have an idea of what they want. Yes, desire, drive, aspiration…. the people who take what they are given from authority figures are usually smart enough to realize that a lot of the “average” in life is a pre-determined, bullshit number that is profitable to some dark figure, but because they’re living off of what’s given, they’ll be content to exist and complain. The moment you stop saying “this sucks” and start saying “I want _____” you’re laying a path for yourself. Even if the path towards what you wants changes, there’s more momentum in pushing forward in the direction that you choose rather than hopping on the bandwagon with everyone else.

I keep these factors in mind when I’m faced with new challenges and options in life. I went to college and got in too much debt for my undergraduate degree because I believed it was worth it. It wasn’t worth it, but does that mean I’ll never further my education? No.

I moved to Madison, Wisconsin in good faith to work for a startup that could have been the next big thing in social networks for young people. That scenario didn’t happen and I got laid off after six months. Does that mean I’d turn down job offers from innovative startups in the future? Hell no, I’m still a sucker for a good idea and passionate people. Always will be.

Being able to stare in the face of uncertainly with nothing but a feeling of “this could be cool” to propel you forward takes a certain level of confidence or trust in yourself. It takes a willingness to plant a stake in the ground and declare, “this is what I want, I deserve this.” Then, you may not get what you want, but that’s cool if you’ve got a mental notepad and pen along with you to carefully track the occurrences along your uncharted paths.

Missteps in finance, careers or even love are all just blips in the time line of life if you live consciously. If you’re semi-detached from the relative drama of a situation you find yourself in, you can identify patterns and meaning in the actions of others and yourselves. Even the perspective of seeing how close you were or could of been is enough to keep people moving forward after getting knocked down time after time. You just need to keep your eye on the prize.

One would think that a tried and true introvert wouldn’t want to move out of their comfort zone to pursue careers, romance, social scenes or anything else that isn’t in their own comfortable little bubble. Introverts are weird, silent, misunderstood little people and I count myself among their ranks. How do we get along when we place ourselves in new cities and towns where we don’t know anyone?

• Know Your Audience (And Yourself) – Introverts like to spend more time along than most people because it’s when we recharge and are able to do a lot of the indexing of events and interactions that we experience on a day to day basis. But, introverts get bored just like anyone else and need to get out to mix things up now and again. You need to be particular with your time and the places that you spend it when you move somewhere new. If you’re trying to find a new job, develop your business or built out your interests, figure out where people congregate for those reasons.
• Compete With Yourself  (Not Others) – At social events, people tend to talk in circles and generate pissing contests over who’s done what, where you went to school, who you know, etc… Not only do these people look totally stupid to most introverts, we enviously realize that we probably don’t have the energy or resources to compete with braggarts in a public setting. Instead, if you over hear someone talking about something that you’d like to know more about, wait until the crowd talkers have blown off all their steam and then grab whomever you want to talk to when they’re walking away from that conversation and then do your best to really connect with them one-on-one (that’s when you’re at your best in all likelihood).
• The Interwebs Are Your Friends – I get reactions to my social networking strategies that involve online social networks from a lot of people that resemble “that’s really weird. Seriously, don’t you think it’s creepy to find people and try to meet up with them for a job or something through the Internet?” My response is usually, “No.” Despite there being tons of noise and morons on the Internet declaring themselves internet social media guru addict experts, or whatever, if you’ve got half a brain for strategy, doing a little search engine research and utilizing whatever social networks you have (LinkedIn, Facebook, Brazen Careerist, Twitter), you can see who lives in a place that you’re moving to and is active in the social and professional scenes you’re interested in. By reaching out, after you’ve done some research, and offering up your services and asking for 20 minutes of time in exchange for a cup of coffee, you’re way more likely to be considered a g0-getter rather than a internet stalking creeper.

It’s absolutely shocking, even from my perspective as an introvert, how bad so many people are at networking and presenting themselves to decision makers and thought leaders in their field. The nervousness associated with worrying about how you’ll be perceived as over-aggressive or weird is completely relative and frankly pointless when you consider that if you use all of the revolutionary communication tools to get a message to the people you want to talk to, then you can bypass all of the anxiety inducing, competitive pectoral flexing that goes on at old-boy networking events and socialite cocktail parties.

Go fourth and bother influential business professionals you shy, awkward, but awesome introverts!

Lately I feel like I’ve been tormenting myself. After moving to Boulder, the apartment situation (more like a house) that I landed in that has benefited me greatly due to it’s open ended, contract free terms and cheap rent. The only catch? No dogs allowed! Well, not yet anyways. I fully intend on working the landlord over with persuasion and/or cash bribes, need be.

I’ve had lots of “hurry up and wait” moments in my life. Whether it’s for a job, buying a condo or moving somewhere new, I’m the worst person in the world when it comes to sitting on my hands and being patient. I don’t even like when someone tells me they’ve got a surprise for me because I like to get an idea of the special occasion/gift and let my imagination run wild while I wait to get it. I know planning doesn’t always bring your wildest dreams to fruition, but I’m the type who’d rather have like 70 irons in the fire and know only a few might take shape than to choose to avoid risk all together.

I want a dog, I want to (continue to) do kickass work, I want to travel, I want, I want, I WANT!!! (Get your mental image if me throwing a fit in grown up one-piece pajamas with the footies). I know I will have a dog someday and I’ll probably get most of what I want if I work for it, but it’s a matter of doing what’s right, for the interm and setting myself up to enjoy my prize a little big more down the road…. you know, like starving yourself before a big meal.

Anticipating a likely response to this post of “wow, you suck at living in the moment” I’ll say that the balance of craving the not-yet-attained and savoring what you already have is something I’m getting better at and have been working on a lot in the past couple of years. I know how lucky I am, right here, right now and I’m extremely grateful for it.

But, I still want a dog.

What do you want? Does putting one foot in front of the other when it comes to life’s choices encourage you or frustrate you?

What’s the dividing line between deeming something as acceptable for the masses to go crazy over and what’s worth investing real time and energy into, regularly, consistently, even when it’s not the easiest or most simple thing to do at first? What feelings do you want to hang onto?

Making breakfast for other people is one of my most favorite things to do. I love cooking for people in general, getting together and having a reason to sit down and talk with people I’m close with or to get to know people better. But, breakfast is the best. Getting up early (early for me at least) in the morning to make breakfast for my girlfriend while she gets ready for work is satisfying in a way that most things cannot even aspire to. I know I can sleep in because I work remotely and on my own schedule, but seeing a smile on her face when she goes off to earn the soy bacon with a full stomach of home made food gets my day started better than the coffee I’m serving.

Christmas celebrations hold a similar appeal to me. I get up in a three decker apartment (three dekka in Massholese) and every Christmas my grandparents who lived downstairs from me and my great grandmother who lived upstairs from me would have these massive parties for Christmas Eve. We stuffed way more people into this building than were probably fire-code acceptable and at lots of food and had lots of laughs. Despite these gatherings happening on or around Christmas time, which is really a universal reason for most (Christian) people to congregate, my grandparents started having these parties before my time and kept having them because they felt good and got people together. This is my yearly tradition that no matter how much fighting was done among us in the family or how tired or busy we are, time still gets made to put together this party and attend it.

I’m notorious for bucking tradition more often than not. I survived 13 years of Catholic education and came out a complete non-believer. So much was made about the concepts of “faith” and acting in the name of tradition and scripture in order to preserve the religion and in essence, your soul.

Add to this equation… I’m an introvert, I come from a massive family and my network is pretty god damn large. Being forced into situations where there are lots of people and a required etiquette can be outright painful for me. The phrase “but this is fun, most people enjoy this kind of stuff” has been repeated to me more though out my life than I care to recall.

It’s not that I don’t think that lots of hard, thoughtful work goes into so many different traditions in all sorts of cultures. I find social trends and interactions fascinating and inspiring, but life’s sporadic personal and intimate moments shared between two or more people are the things in life that I find most amazing.

Yes, I lived through the Red Sox winning the world series in 2004 when I was in Boston going to college. I saw Barrack Obama get elected. Those were moments of intense joy that I shared with millions of other people that I never knew. I didn’t even know what to do or how to react when these things happened. I knew they meant a lot to me though.

Those moments were amazing, but fleeting. After the Red Sox won in 2004, I cared considerably less about baseball in general after that moment. People all around me continued spending lots of money on games, getting rowdy at bars, picking fights with Yankees fans and generally trying to keep the energy level as high as possible after this incredible peak. Same thing with Obama… I still like him a lot as a man and as a politician, but I’m really over the afterglow of his presidential victory and don’t get much excited about what goes in in the Oval Office anymore. Business as usual.

But, I recognize beautiful moments for what they are. I can easily  see the symbolism of a monumental event, whether it be shared between the masses or whether it’s between two people. I just can’t relate to trying to keep a mass-wave going amongst people as often as I can embrace the moments that consistently feel good between me and mine, because that is and should be enough.

Isn’t blogging amazing? Well, a blog in and of itself isn’t that cool. Unless some effort goes into the content (boy, do I know content, lemme tell you…), then all you’ve got is a blank digi-canvas. Even if it looks pretty and doesn’t have any substance behind it, then it might as well not exist. Or is that really the case?

Do we pass up our chances at self expression in one form to try and cry out loudly in another form? Have you ever met someone who blogs secretly and does an amazing job at it. Doesn’t even really promote their stuff… just does it to deal with the stress of every day life and whatever afflictions they may be dealing with? I have as much respect for those types of people, bloggers, painters, rappers, poets, whatever, that keep pounding away at the piece of hot steel that is a too-short human existence, often devoid of much deserved attention, in a simple attempt to form something beautiful, as I do for household names of people you and I know as “artists.”

One of my all time favorite movies is “Basquiat.” It’s about a painter, Jean Michel Basquiat,  from the late 70’s and 80’s who got his rep from graffiti originally and as he was discovered on the New York art scene, became the second coming of Christ, or Picasso for that matter. His style, coined as “primal expressionism” by some, spoke to me. On some level, when I write poetry (the stuff I don’t share on here), I can see why and how he expressed his ideas the way he did. Seeing his work gives you the impression that he’d use mud, pigs blood and excrement to paint his murals if the mood struck him. He was a tortured artist in the true sense of the definition. Completely trapped in his mind, but also in the society that he couldn’t cope with for most of his life, until he was anointed as the one to carry as a artistic deity.

Basquiat died in his 20’s from a heroin overdose. He made some truly powerful and important friends and advocates along the way, including Andy Warhol and Julian Schnabel. I’d recommend this movie to just about anyone. It’s not really a “feel good” flick, but it’s beautiful in its sadness. A small example of this beauty is the story he tells at the end of the movie about The Little Prince. He burned out hard and fast and left a lasting impression on anyone who knew and might come to know his work.

The last blog post I wrote was about leaving a distinct mark on your work environment. That’s pretty feasible no matter who you are. But leaving a mark on your culture or society? That’s not so common, is it? Sometimes you must simply throw yourself up against the walls built around you (even if you built them) hard, repeatedly, until it hurts, makes you numb and leaves people thinking that you’re dumb for trying to prove something.

That’s what inspires me. The act defiance against constructs that pre-date your own life, without any tools but the god or nature given talents and ideas that you’ve acknowledged and cultivated over many years.

Take what you will about this story. I’d love to hear your interpretations of it.

Hey Benny, my mom told me this story – or was it a dream?

There was this little Prince, with a magic crown and this evil warlock kidnapped him, locked him in this cell in a huge tower and took away his voice. There was a window with bars and the prince kept smashing his head against the bars hoping that someone would hear the sound and find him.

The crown made the most beautiful sound that anyone had ever heard. You could hear it ringing for miles. It was so beautiful that people wanted to grab the air.

They never found the prince. He never got out of the room, but the sound he made filled everything up with beauty.

I feel it’s my duty to play up the role of a representative of the much heralded “entitled Gen Y” by listing the things I want for my birthday.

NUMBA 1) I’m gonna do this song again! (Wesley Willis joke, if you get it, you rock)

NUMBA 2) A job in Boulder, Colorado. Full-time, part-time, contract or temporary. I have never been so itching to get to work and do kickass things for awesome people in my life. Seriously, just TRY and stop me from working if given the opportunity! (well, I’ll keep the work-life balance that Boulderites seem to cherish and maintain. I love that!)

NUMBA 3) I’m looking forward to getting my apartment situation squared away in Boulder. I’ve been driving and walking around a ton and there are so many awesome places to live. I don’t care if I live alone or have cool roomates, I just really am excited to make this place my (relatively affordable) home.

NUMBA 4) This is the 5 year old in me: I want a puppy! I’ve had dog fever for years now and have never quite had the opportunity to get a dog and care for it. I see a dog at every single turn here and I sooooooo want one! Pugs, Puggles, Boston Terriers, Pitbulls, Bulldogs, Muts… I love all dogs!

NUMBA 5) Most importantly, I want to say how grateful I am for what I already have right now. I am so damn happy right now with how things have turned out, how they are shaping up and how good so many people have been to me already. I am incredibly lucky and I hope to pay this forward to every single person that I meet and already know. Thank you to everyone for the birthday wishes thusfar and I think 26 is going to be a kickass year!

I haven’t been blogging much, but I wanted to update you all on the who/what/when/where/why’s.

I’m moving to Colorado next Friday.

I’ve been out to visit twice since being laid off in February, I’ve developed some strong professional connections in both Boulder and Denver, bolstered some long-standing friendships I’ve had from blogging and have managed to meet one of the coolest, most sincere, fun-loving and personally/professionally driven woman I’ve ever met. Yeah, Colorado has been very good to me.

I know I had originally stated my destination as being Seoul, South Korea sometime late Summer, but the application process seemed to fizzle out until the day I got back from my second stint in Colorado, upon which I had already made up my mind to move. Quite a different plan I’ve got now, eh?

Specifically in Boulder, Co, where I plan to move, I felt a real peace and excitement in myself and in other people that I haven’t felt in a long time. The startup scene is ridiculous out there with more software and renewable energy companies than I can even count. I took a week to go to the Startup Week and meet with the local entrepreneurs, investors and venture capitalists. Everyone I met was just like, “drop what you’re doing and move out here. You won’t regret it.” Usually I’m not receptive to such coercive instruction, but between having a human factor of feeling more at home and welcomed in a combined two weeks than I ever have where I am now and dwelling in an unwavering feeling of well-being, I was sold.

Here goes nothing, eh? I’ve got a pretty good set of skills and a decent resume along with an innate ability to network earnestly and effectively. What else do I need? Oh, money… yeah, I’ve been figuring that out as I go since getting laid off, so I’ll continue to do as so until I find a good solid perch to focus in on some awesome work, with even awesomer people.

The difference between life’s best chances and taking the biggest risks is very minimal. I looked at teaching English in South Korea as a chance to run away from my current situation for a bit and re-group and figure out what I wanted. When I made it to Colorado and everything sort of fell into place as close to perfectly as I could ask for, I was reminded that I already knew what I wanted, I just needed a destination to head towards because that’s where a big part of what I want will be.

To say I’m excited for this would be an understatement. I’m moving out there to make a way and it’s entirely up to me to make what I want of it. Plus I’ve got support and motivation like I’ve never had before. I’m looking forward to seeing how this turns out!

Someone I care about very much sent this link below to me a few days ago. I find it profoundly accurate and encouraging to how I view myself and the challenges I’ve faced and might face down the road and why it’s all worth it in the end. I’d love for you to check out this short flip-book cartoon and tell me what you think:

“The Missing Piece Meets The Big O” http://osorhan.com/bigo/

Do you ever feel like the “Missing Piece” and what or who inspired you to move forward?