**This post is super personal, confessional and somewhat of an “oh shit, I probably shouldn’t share this” entry. So please read on with care. I’m still working out this being-me-and-living-life thing…**
As I talk a mean game about the things I want from life and from myself there are serious short comings in the approach I’ve taken time and time again. By putting myself through the ringer with hard work and rewarding myself with things that hurt me, I become utterly frustrated with my lack of respect for myself and in turn, the lack of respect I’m showing towards those I care through my actions.
This repressed frustration has been simmering for some time now, but came to an uncomfortable head very recently.
__________________________
I got a call from my uncle while I was finishing up work yesterday. I missed his call and I checked my voicemail shortly before I went out to happy hour with a friend from work. The message he left wasn’t normal. He just said that he wanted to talk to me and that I needed to call him back. My phone wasn’t working well in the office so I figured I’d call him later.
When I was out having a drink and appetizers at the bar, my mom called. She said my uncle went to the doctors and found out he had a large tumor on his esophagus and that he was really scarred and wanted to talk to me. My stomach dropped and I felt myself getting upset. We decided to leave the bar and head back to my coworker’s apartment and then go out to get food and drinks with some other friends. I decided to call my uncle on the drive to the apartment but couldn’t get a hold of him.
So, we went out and had more drinks before dinner and while we were waiting for a table my uncle called and I stepped outside to take the call. He told me about what the doctor said and how if he hadn’t quit his last job for a new gig and needed a physical before starting that he would probably not have found out about the tumor until he starting having symptoms and it would have been too late. I asked him to keep me up to date with the surgery and how he was feeling.
He asked me how I was doing I told him about some of the frustrations I’ve been having lately and how regardless of it all, I’ve still never once regretted making the biggest career and geographic move of my life. As always, he reminded me and re-assured me that I was doing the right thing and that moving forward I would continue to do the right things as long as I stayed true to myself.
After hanging up the phone I took a deep breath and went back inside to have dinner. We stayed out for a bit having a few more drinks and then I went home around 1AM.
On the way home, I picked up a pack of cigarettes. When I go out drinking I have always liked to have cigarettes because it always feels soothing to smoke and feel buzzed. Plus the social aspect of stepping outside to smoke with people has always been something I didn’t have to think about. I just did it.
I’ve battled with a lot of demons in myself since I was a young person. I think I had my first cigarette when I was around 13. I probably had my first drink around that time too. I make excuses to why I’ve drank and smoked pretty much my entire adult life and even as an adolescent and the fact of the matter is that I haven’t ever been able to respect myself fully for doing these things.
I’ve gone months or even years without having a cigarette or alcohol and lost a whole bunch of weight and gotten healthy in the process. I’ve worked my ass off physically and mentally to get to certain points and suddenly when I feel like I accomplished something, I reward myself with the things have hurt me and always have hurt me. It’s a ridiculously vicious cycle and I hate it. I truly hate it and sometimes I even hate myself for falling into it repeatedly.
I get frustrated with myself and the people I surround myself with because I think back to the days when I was at my best, or what I considered my best and I was more or less a self-motivated person going to the gym, eating healthy and withdrawing myself from the social circles that I continuously found myself battling to escape.
The lack of mental and physical balance and the persistent extremes that I put myself through are what I feel continuously make me veer of course further and further. When I completely remove myself from my friends and the situations that influence my poor behavior, I’m sealing myself off from a lot of the good things that sustain me as well.
I feel like my family and friends won’t expect much out of me at any point unless I throw up a façade of extreme changes that don’t really seem sustainable in any reasonable regard. I guess I don’t expect much out of myself either. I don’t understand the lines between where I go so wrong and where my best intentions are.
I read somewhere once that when you’re trying to break bad habits, the key is consistency. Whenever you commit to something and give up on changing your ways, you’re essentially lying to yourself and letting yourself down and in essence entrenching yourself in your bad ways even more.
I want to quit drinking, quit smoking and I want to become healthy, forever. I’ve used alcohol, cigarettes and food to comfort and reward myself for the hard work I’ve put in elsewhere in my life and they essentially decrease my ability to be my best self for myself and the people I love. When I decide to punish myself and withdraw as I crumple up a pack of cigarettes, pour the remainder of a bottle of wine down the sink and throw out junk food laying around my house, I become this broody bastard and resentful of all the external forces that I feel like are trying to sabotage me from enjoying my life. My friends call and want to go out and I resent them for trying to put me in a position where I’ll be tempted to drink, smoke, eat shitty food and spend money that I should be saving.
The difference that I’m feeling now compared to the other times I’ve tried to kick my habits is the sense of obligation to honor the people I love and the things that I love about myself. My uncle is very sick right now and he took a big part in raising me when I was young when my father wasn’t around. He’s always been better to me than he needed to be and the sobering (no pun intended) encounter with his mortality has made me suddenly too aware of my own.
___________
I’ve heard around the way that you shouldn’t ever publish a blog post unless it makes you a little bit scared before you hit “publish.” Well, I am scared right now. I’m very scared of losing my uncle, I’m very scared that the positive things I do in life will be outweighed by the negative and I’m scared of how hard the future is going to be. However, I’m not scared of being judged. No one reading this could judge me as hard as I’m judging myself and nobody can make me change the way I’m living better than I can.
So with that said, I’m dedicating this blog post to my Uncle and everyone who has ever held higher standards and hopes for me than I have for myself. Thank you and I love you.
{ 14 comments… read them below or add one }
JR, my dad had tumor a few years ago when I was (still is) living in a foreign country. He completely got over it thanks to good surgeons and warm support, but I remember the cold shudder in my spine and the regret of not telling him the things I wanted to talk with him until then. I still carry them to some extent. I believe your uncle knows how you feel just as my dad did. He wanted me to keep moving on with my life. When it’s my turn, I too hopefully encourage others to do that too.
Isao, thanks for the comment… I’m glad your father’s doing well now. Regardless of my uncle’s long term prognosis, it’s still hard to look past conscious mistakes I make in my own life without relation to the fact that I’m lucky enough to be healthy and able… for now. I feel like only showing my support through symbolic words and not really caring about myself as much as I do about my uncle has revealed a real, fatal flaw in how I view the world and make choices… I need to address it once and for all too.
First of all, I am so proud of you for having the courage to write about all of this. It takes a lot of strength to open your heart up to the world, so give yourself credit for that. I can relate to a lot of the things you touch on here. As you know, my mom has been sick, and it’s really gotten me thinking about my own life and the way that I’m living it. One thing that I’ve learned is that it does us no good to harp on the past and beat ourselves up for things that have already happened. The best thing we can do is to learn from it and use that knowledge to make better decisions in the future. Know that you have a lot of people who care about you, myself included, so don’t be afraid to ask for support. You can do it.
I really love this post, JR. And thanks for the confidence to hit publish, and know that your writing never goes unnoticed as great and important. I think that this line spoke the most to me:
“I read somewhere once that when you’re trying to break bad habits, the key is consistency. Whenever you commit to something and give up on changing your ways, you’re essentially lying to yourself and letting yourself down and in essence entrenching yourself in your bad ways even more.”
I struggle with this too. Especially when hearing bad news (and my sympathies and prayers go out to your Uncle…), it is hard to stay on track. As creatures of habit, we seek solace in things that may not always be ideal. It is definitely a challenging and difficult part of the human condition. I admire your ability to recognize these things in yourself and to want to strive to do better. It is always a process, I have constantly been thinking to myself, and it is really true. Things are not instantaneous, nor should they be – or we would never find value in them.
Thanks for sharing this, and it really moved me a lot.
Thank you for posting this. It shows confidence and bravery even when you may think you are faltering.
I hope your uncle kicks the tumor’s ass.
I’ve dealt with similar addictions to devaluing myself and would gladly be a sounding board. I’m just a tweet away.
Bravo, JR, for posting something so personal and scary. I hope that your uncle’s new gig and that screening he received are the first step to saving his life. Because it was caught before symptoms, I’m hoping that there is a good treatment plan ahead. You know I work for the American Cancer Society to kick cancer’s ass every day, and your uncle is my reason to keep fighting today. (And of course if your family needs support, rides to treatment, information, etc – call ACS 800.227.2345 – we can help – no seriously, we can).
On changing habits, you’re right – consistency is key. Commitment unlocks the door. I hope that you feel empowered to really commit to the health changes you seek right now. Looking at it another way, you could be facing your own cancer diagnosis down the line without changes, and you have the power of prevention within you. Sometimes a little dash of fear keeps you moving forward toward your goal.
I know how painful it is to make the change. Giving up gluten was the hardest change I had to make. I fought it, and cheated for a couple years before committing, after my body sustained some pretty serious damage. And if I hadn’t given it up – I’d likely be facing my own cancer diagnosis, too…not sticking to my diet increases the chance that I’ll get colon cancer by 20 times. That’s inspiration enough for me.
And if you need support, we’ve got your back. You’ve got all kinds of support online and off…ask if you need a kick in the ass, or support. We’ll be here.
This is a beautifully written and honest post.
My thoughts and well-wishes to your Uncle. It is never easy to experience pain and illness to the ones we are closest to.
I still commend you for being honest and writing this post. Sometimes making it public or pressing the ‘publish’ button can get those real, raw emotions flowing. I think that being scared, is being alive. It shows you’re feeling. It shows that you’re listening. There are some things that we have control over (choosing to not smoke or drink) and some things we don’t have control over (the pain in the world, illness) but overall, you always have control over yourself. How you react, move forward, and continue to be a constant source of support for your Uncle (which undoubtedly, you will). Sometimes, writing or verbalizing is the first step in change.
I’m always here to listen too
JR,
Thank you for sharing your story. Whether you know it or not, just the act of publishing this post is going to improve your situation tenfold.
“When you really desires something, all the Universe conspires to help you realize that dream. –Paulo Coelho
Isn’t that amazing? And it is true, I am living proof! You have taken the first step and with time, it will happen. It will take a bit of hard work & a constant determination, but you will live the life of your dreams.
I am incredibly proud of you & excited to encourage you along this journey. Thank for being an inspiration.
-Dena
Thanks Sam. I’m realizing that beating myself up doesn’t really work. It pushes me too far towards that other extreme that doesn’t help me or anyone else where I just feel bad for myself and give up hope for something better. I know there are lots of people out there who want the best for me and are there for me. It’s my job to do the leg work though. That’s really what I’m realizing… do the leg work while I have the legs to do it.
Falling off track is a slippery slope, especially when you’re falling towards things that make everything progressively worse or seem not-so-bad. Falling into complacency and contentment with the given situation isn’t where I want to be. It’s weird, because I can see myself doing this and it’s almost like a control thing where I let myself slide a little because I want to see if I can pull myself right back out.
As far as feeling like I need to take extreme measures to have the life I want and neglect the simple things that make me up as a human… it doesn’t work in my head and my willingness to go that route is sort of worn down to a nub. Work to live, eat to live… just live to live. Nothing else!
Thanks Brianne! I’ll definitely hit you up for some perspective in the near future.
Jenn, your stories of ass kicking make me smile. I’m so glad you were able to get your gluten situation under control.
I didn’t know about the American Cancer Association. I’ll see if my uncle needs any assistance and will definitely refer to you if I have any questions.
As for on and offline support, I’ll be needing it for sure. Finding it within can be tough, so having a place to seek it outwardly is pretty awesome.
Grace, thank you! Honestly, I play with the idea of choice and free will so much over and over again. The habit I really need to kick is that in order to make a strong choice in one direction that I need to give up what I value within myself or in others to have it all the time. Maybe it’s integrity that I need to work on? Either way, I’m definitely going to keep being there for my uncle and make the choices with my life that are going to make him proud… and not let the other parts that I value slide.
Thanks again
I wrote this in advance and seriously considered not posting it. My coworkers read my blog, my friends read my blog, family members read it and people I could potentially work for someday read it. It’s scary, but this really is who I am and what I’m about. I’ve gotta put the bad with the good out there otherwise it’s not a whole picture.
I’ve also gotta put my best efforts in making change within myself happen, otherwise this is just a lot of rhetoric.
Thank you for your encouragement Dena. You seem like you’re kicking much ass yourself, so I’m definitely drawing strength from that!
Bring on more Fight Club references too!