There’s a certain skill set associated with selling and I definitely don’t have it. My family tells me I’d be a good salesman because I’m so good at conning them into letting me do dangerous or risky things. I’ve been good at that my whole life. However, selling them on the idea of me risking my own well-being and selling them on doing it themselves is two different things… or maybe not? I’ll explore this concept later.
What I’m horrible at selling is myself. I realize this roots down to a few variables that I’ve been grappling with most of my adult and adolescent life, but it’s also something I feel like I’m getting better at all the time. I’ve gotten progressively better jobs over the years simply because I’ve learned to market my skills and services better than my competition. I’ve dated some beautiful and amazing women, developed friendships with talented and important people and won people over who hated my guts. Few of these things occur because I’m a cocky son of a bitch who feels entitled to anything but his own happiness. Instead, I feel more privileged to be myself and to have developed as much and as fast as I have.
But, I’m still not one to sing my own praises, or even be able to list off my own good qualities off the cuff without some assistance. This is a real pain in the ass. I always falter horribly in arguments where the retort is “well name me 3 things that you’ve done that…” and I’m like “shit, I can’t list one. You win.” This has a lot to do with the fact that I don’t keep score; not officially anyways. I take heed in the overarching satisfaction of knocking things off my to-do list and then I don’t dwell on those things too specifically after I accomplish them.
I’m much more cognizant of other people’s accomplishments than my own actually. I tend to visualize people’s potential through their history as I know it. Without them even telling me the things they’re proud of (which are equally if not more important than what I think is important), I’m always listening eagerly for folks to tell me about their dreams and challenges to see where I can interject one of the millions of connections I see in the world. I love to do this, especially with people who are open to it.
I am open to that sort of connection making for myself, but I feel like it’s done with a lot less frequency than I’d like. Sometimes I wonder if it’s asking too much of people to think of me like I think of them. It’s not like I’m down with unrequited love (that stuff sucks!) but more so, unrequited interest and investment. Sometimes I question my standards and expectations of others when these ideas cross my mind. I wonder if I pour too much into situations with little return. Other times I wonder if people pour too much into me without them getting adequate time or attention in return.
The balance is so delicate. I wonder if my self worth keeps growing, will my expectations of the people I keep around me keep growing? Is that fair? It doesn’t seem so, but I often contemplate the relation to the two factors. When I see people leading unhappy lives, a lot of the times it’s because of the quality of people they keep around them. I’ve been happy for a long time for a lot of different reasons, so the reasons I have been happy might change, but I doubt the sources of that happiness change.
Being able to show people how to care about you and how you’re growing also enables them to share in the joy and new experiences that come your way as you grow. I think this is an important perspective for me to have and nurture as I get older, rather than feeling like I’ve eventually grow out of friendships or loves, rather than grow with them.
I’m wondering about this because lately I’ve had people tell me incredible things about myself that I sort of knew, but had no idea other people recognized. I was left speechless on several occasions, but in a good way. It made me think of how certain times, people I’ve know and settled into content relationships with suddenly blew me out of the water with observations about my nature or potential. For a while I had settled into the expectations that me noticing the little quirks, tics and eccentricities that I adore about people was something only I did… oh silly James, exclusive introspective perception is for kids.
I don’t see this exchange in acute sensitivity happening with everyone I meet, but I’m surprised that I may have gotten lethargic in pushing it at times. Connections are what I live for. I need to connect to the outside world as much as I do within.
If I continue to develop and explore connections within myself and with others, as the opportunities present themselves, then I’ll be more aware of my strengths and the quality of potential connections with others.
Maybe it’s not about selling anyone on anything, but more about identifying and cultivating opportunities for an even exchange and be willing to give regardless of return, for the sake of making someone else feel good.
Something to think about…
{ 4 comments… read them below or add one }
“I tend to visualize people’s potential through their history as I know it. Without them even telling me the things they’re proud of (which are equally if not more important than what I think is important), I’m always listening eagerly for folks to tell me about their dreams and challenges to see where I can interject one of the millions of connections I see in the world.” JR, you really do.
Thx Isao, this post sort of just wrote itself. Been thinking about this stuff a lot lately.
“Maybe it’s not about selling anyone on anything, but more about identifying and cultivating opportunities for an even exchange and be willing to give regardless of return, for the sake of making someone else feel good.”
This. I often wonder about the walls people build up – the stubbornness, the mistrust, the need to hide their true selves – and I resent them [the walls, that is... not the people]. And yea.. ironically, the thing that I resent in others is also what I resent in myself. I’m slowly learning to let go. I chose that quote because it sums up what I try to live by in my life and I’m getting better. I struggle with it because I still have a fear of losing myself in doing so. But who is ‘myself,’ really? Hmm.
JR, the fact that you’re even aware of all this is what counts. It makes it harder and frustrating because you can easily see what’s wrong – but at the same time it gets much easier (in a strange way) because you can also see what’s right and how to make it right… at least for yourself. Do they cancel each other out? Dunno. Not sure if I’m making any sense. Yea, I’m kinda going off on a tangent… and I’m not sorry about it.
@Val, I welcome your tangents, as always
I keep reminding myself that not only do I like who I am, but I’ve continued to like my life and choices the consequences the older I get. It keeps getting better… so I just want to make sure that I stay true to myself and not get too comfortable with things just happening.. I feel like I need to keep a conscious grip on everything I do… be mindful, you know? Otherwise my decisions will inevitably fall by the wayside, towards the apathy of other people’s.